For some reason, I thought of you when watching this video. So I think I’ll share it.
For some reason, I thought of you when watching this video. So I think I’ll share it.
Love. Relationships. Infatuation. Desire.
Also known as, Utter Confusion.
Where to even begin?
In the last few months, I’ve found myself in a certain black hole. Sucked into an inescapable pit of disaster and despair, I call this place any one of the titles mentioned prior: Love, Relationships, Infatuation, Desire. Or, like I said, we can call this a place of Utter Confusion.
Whilst being caught in a romantic high of fawning over a particular nerdy Gryffindor boy with the bow tie and glasses, I have also been on the opposite end of the emotional scale. Torn down, indifferent, hopeless, anxious, frustrated — all words describing how I feel half the time about my relationship with Nerdy Gryffindor Boy (NGB).
And what is my relationship with him, anyway? That black hole that I mentioned earlier is part of a galaxy I call the Friend Zone. Or maybe that’s what the black hole should be called, and the galaxy, Love. Yes, scratch what I said before; this makes more sense. The Friend Zone, the black hole, the ghastly blemish on a beautiful, enormous galaxy called Love. The Friend Zone, the black hole, the place in which you will probably be stuck forever. Once you’re there, it is such an impossible and treacherous journey out. There is so much to risk in getting out, yet staying in it is just as much of a disastrous plight!
On the one hand, I have the option of making a move and pushing for something more than just friendship. However, that involves the potential of destroying a nicely evolving platonic relationship. So badly do I want to pursue a romance with him, yet even more than that do I want to preserve our friendship.
On the other hand, I could take the slow approach and worry about nothing but being a good friend. Maybe that would add depth to our connection and lead to something more. The risk in that, though, is that I could very well just be pushed further into the Friend Zone.
Then to add even more rubbish on top of all these mixed feelings, I often get caught in the in-between of simply not caring anymore. What does it matter how it plays out anymore? Let’s go with the flow! Forget about and let things happen if they happen, whatever they may be. Find a different boy that likes you back. Become a lesbian? No, that won’t work. Harrumph.
Currently I am in that state of limbo. Planet Blah. Planet Indifference. Planet Ugh. Planet Whatever. Planet Nonchalant. Planet Ebb and Planet Flow. What a funky solar system…. Today this is where I live.
And just to add more damned space debris over the entire thing, I feel the intense pressure to commit to only ONE plan of action. How is anything supposed to happen if I’m changing my muddled up mind every other day?
First, I’m determined.
I’m going to do something about this! I will do what it takes to profess my love and win his heart! I will break his barrier of mistrust! He will fall for my charm and sophistication! I will catch him off guard and enchant him with a kiss, accompanied by a sweet, clever remark! We will fall madly in love and thrive in a blossoming relationship!
Then I lose all faith.
I can’t do it like that! I’ll drive him away and make everything so awkward! He’ll push me away! It’ll freak him out! He’ll think I’m creepy! I’m so weird! I’m so YOUNG! He’s so TALL! I can’t see us ever being together! This is so pointless. I shouldn’t even try. This is dumb. Why?! Just WHY.
But then I try again with a different approach.
No, wait. I can do this. I just need to not be such a freak about it. Just be his friend. Gain his trust. That’s the problem anyway — his lack of trust. His lack of trust is what is preventing him from wanting a relationship. Ease into it, give him a chance to get to know the real you, because the real you is pretty cool. Of course he’ll want you! Just show him that you legitimately care about him.
Well, fuck. That’ll just leave me in the friend zone FOREVER. I’ll never be able to get out. We’ll be good friends, and then it’ll just be plain weird to think of each other romantically. Especially for him, since he probably hasn’t ever thought of me that way and probably won’t. Pointless, so pointless. I must make a move if anything is to happen. Oh, but that’s so pointless too. Screw my life.
This is adding too much emotional stress in my life. Why am I so infatuated with a boy who most likely does not share my interest? You know what? Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. Stop worrying about the outcome, and just live. What’s meant to be will be. If we end up together, fantastic! If not, there are other boys. The whole problem with this situation is that I’m so caught up in the results, in the future, and not having fun with all of it. So what, so what, so what!
So that’s where I’m at right now, right here. Who knows what will be running through my mind tomorrow. Perhaps my Whatever Wednesday is just a result of being a loner for now and making a conscious effort not to see anyone this week. I guess this tends to make me lazy and not want to bother to pursue any type of worthwhile relationship. Am I tricking my mind? Confusing what’s important?
WHERE ARE THE ANSWERS TO LIFE??? I am in desperate need.
But the funny and beautiful thing about all of this is that one glorious day, this will just be a story. It will just be a story we can retell countless times at our adult sleepovers. I can tell my future possible children. Maybe (hopefully!) they’ll be my nerdy little children with bow ties and glasses!
And best of all, we will laugh and cherish every bit. This, at least, I am ever grateful for.
Merry Christmas! Apparently it’s that time of the year again… and I’m blogging from my iPhone. How cool have I gotten?! Ha.
So technically it’s not Christmas anymore, which means that I’ll make this is a New Year’s blog as well. Let’s recap the year and see how I’ve done….
I started off the new year in Mammoth with my boyfriend and his family. In the middle of the month I left for Berkeley and started my first semester there. It all started off semi-well. I met some pretty cool people and thought my classes were kind of decent.
I had my first real Valentine’s Day when Andrew came to visit me. I also had the worst hangover of my life. When he left, the depression attacked me and I stopped caring about my classes. I think I started counseling that month, or it may have been the next month.
I dropped my English class. I was less stressed but life wasn’t much better. I was part of the costume crew for Chang and Eng and quite enjoyed it. I went back home to visit during spring break… and it wasn’t as nice as it should have been. It didn’t make me much happier.
I learned how to sew with Tim and had fun making costumes for Children of Eden. Things were getting shaky between me and Andrew. We couldn’t vchat everyday anymore, because I couldn’t handle it. I asked if he even wanted to be with me anymore. My visit home this month was even worse, and I left home with the most uncomfortable premonition that Andrew and I weren’t going to last. I denied it all that I could but that nasty feeling was still there. I started cutting myself and almost passed out in the bathroom because of it.
My emotional status hadn’t changed much at this point. I got really excited to leave, yet I didn’t feel any better once I was home. I started seeing my psychiatrist and psychologist as soon as I got back. I started Lexapro at 10mg and thought I felt a little better. I wasn’t manic but I wasn’t any happier. The night I started my meds, I had a terrible tantrum at Andrew’s house and then sparked the moment of fear and tension between us. Our chemistry and desire for each other dwindled and died.
Ahh quite a month. We’ll go through it quickly since we both remember it pretty clearly, I think. Andrew and I agreed to break up. My first breakup, and I did not take it well. Two days later I attempted to asphyxiate myself with a plastic bag and not enough drugs. The next day, I went to the emergency room at UCLA. I stayed there for a week, got my dose upped to 20mg, and found myself, to put it simply enough. Best friend moved away 😦
Never a better time to celebrate freedom! A week after my release from inpatient, I got sent across the street to my adult partial program. I probably stayed there for about a month and found it kind if boring and not very helpful. More than anything it was a waste of money and time, because not a whole lot got accomplished. HP7 pt2 came out, and I cried because Harry was going to leave his friends and his world to walk into Death’s welcoming arms.
It was made official that I’d be staying here this semester. I got my first job at Pinkberry on the 3rd. Andrew and I slowly began connecting again through acting class. And ’twas the death of my social life.
All my friends left me. I got a traffic ticket, for which I still need to do community service. Saw Lion King in theaters and didn’t enjoy it as much as I wanted to. Andrew and I were sort of almost together but not really. Not a very exciting month.
Started making my Halloween costume which turned out to be epic. I began my job at EcoMinded. Andrew and I got together again, even though he was starting to neglect me already. I got a tattoo and went to court for my ticket. Happy Halloween!
Ingrid and I started hanging out and it was cool. We signed up for the Yule Ball and started getting ready for it. Went to Vegas with my lovelies. I turned 18, broke up with Andrew, and had a sad, sick Thanksgiving. Made out with a different boy… Yuck!!!
I moved out and stopped taking my meds (mostly because I couldn’t afford anymore). Had a fucking blast at the Yule Ball with Ingrid and became much better friends with her. I officially met Thomas Horton and am now crushing super intensely 😛 Had Secret Santa at work, Pre-Christmas Christmas with Ingrid, and ditched my own family’s Christmas. Then, I went to Utah and went sledding on Christmas. And now it’s now.
So I missed my kiss under the mistletoe this year. But I did manage to survive 2 breakups in one year with the same guy. I guess that’s something!
I guess after all that’s happened in my world this year, I’ll be entering 2012 as a truly strong, independent woman. I may be a Ravenclaw – where those of wit and learning will always find their kind – but sometimes I wonder if I’m secretly a Gryffindor – where dwell the brave at heart.
Either way, I’ve learned a lot this year. Next year is exciting and scary and daunting and dreadful and hopeful all at the same time. Anyway, I’m excited to get together with you to discuss the old and new year in person. Let’s set goals and reminisce and make plans! Let’s make 2012 a good one! Especially if it is going to be the end of the world!
Cheers and Happy Holidays, Elana!
Hope you had a good one.
So I don’t have much time to write this since I’m SUPER exhausted and turns out my hands shake when I type, trippy.
But I just want to make note of the fact that back then we were little and you for one wasn’t really allowed out without Martin. I’m going to also add a few memories I remember, that aren’t necessarily good ones but they were definitely memorable.
– That time where you and your mom got in a huge fight and we ended up running away in the rain, fucking dramatic as fuck, but it happened, we ran away together.
– Martin was there but I barely remember him, but crying over S. Brown. Unforgettable for me at least.
– Working for Upright and getting those batteries and basically saving the show AND bonding with Shane afterwards while he showed us drunk pictures. 😛
– When we started watching Avatar the Last Airbender and kept passing out.
– Macaroni and Cheese, every fucking time.
– Seeing Julia & Julia and being expired to write this blog. (I know your mom was there but honestly the memory of her doesn’t exist much)
And now I too blank. I’m tired. But honestly I think our best moments were when we lied in bed and just talked for hours until you fell asleep. We should bond when I get back to LA and recap our lives together. I love and miss you dearly.
So guess what. I was going to write a blog on all our memories together and realized that we don’t have many memories together. And I’m talking about memories of just the two of us doing fun and happy things. Here are the few that I can think of:
And that’s about it. I mean, it’s not that bad, but I feel like we should have way more awesome memories for being the best friends that we are. Am I just not thinking of them? Or do we not do enough memorable things together?
Every other memory I have includes other people like Kyle, Brenda, Martin, Chris, etc. I guess we could include our trip to Mammoth together, but I can honestly say that I do not remember that. And you did go all the way to Berkeley to be with me when I moved in, but I can’t say that that was a super fun time for me.
So… what the hell? And you know what? I don’t think we’re going to be making a whole lot more great memories anymore either. Why? Boyfriends, money, time, distance, and different interests. That’s sounds like a whole lot of not being best friends anymore.
Maybe I’m over thinking it. I can’t tell. But the last part is definitely true: we won’t make another best-friend memory for a while, due to each lame circumstance. I think we’re growing apart. I can’t tell again.
I’m going to go over our friendship timeline, including any key points.
Freshman Year (2006-2007)
We meet and become friends in the middle of it.
Minimal hanging out due to awkward shyness.
That’s all I remember.
Sophomore Year (2007 – 2008)
The theatre obsession begins in January.
Probably the highlight of our friendship.
That’s all I remember.
Junior Year (2008-2009)
Brenda starts Concord. Duo becomes Trio.
Continued theatre obsession.
That’s all I remember.
Senior Year (2009-2010)
You start dating Kyle.
Katie moves in.
Theatre obsession dies a little.
You begin your partying phase.
I date Andrew.
I never see you.
I hate you a little bit.
That’s all I remember.
I go to Berkeley.
You never talk to me.
You date Chris.
I return from Berkeley. I’m a mess.
I go to the hospital.
You move away.
I get a job.
We basically never see each other again.
Sabrina can’t remember anything.
* * *
We somehow started off seeing each other every day to seeing each other less than once a month this year on average.
It’s not going to improve either. We can’t avoid it. Not with the lives we’ve chosen.
Ugh. I need meds.
So WTF man. Is this life?
A watercolor that I did based on the memory I shared a couple posts ago — the one where we got high, and the whole world was him. (It looks best when you have Howie Day’s “Collide” playing loudly in the background…)
Honestly I think it looked way more like him when it was just a sketch, but I say it’s not that bad for my first real watercolor attempt.
This being my first whatever one:
This might surprise you, but I understand your blog way more than you thought I would. The reason I understand this, is because I’m going through the same thing. I can’t explain it, and I feel stupid sometimes when I try, but I knew that Chris was the guy I was going to marry, and love for eternity the day I became his girlfriend.
It sounds crazy to most, crazy to me, but I guess we both have super good intuition or we’re sort of psychic. I truly understand how you feel. You just know it in your heart, and you don’t know why your gut is telling you something so ridiculous but you can’t not trust it because you know it is right. Some things, in my opinion, ARE meant to be, and if you believe and know deep down that you and Andrew are meant to be, you guys will be. It will happen years down the line.
I was talking to my friend Jerry about this on Monday. I told him I moved in with Chris the day we started dating (a little before actually) and I just knew he was the one. And he asked me a simple question: “Do you still have those same feelings?” And my answer was “Yes, actually I do..”. So as crazy as it sounds, I think there is a part within us that is capable of knowing things like true love.
It’s the same thing that tells me I will one day become friends with someone. I had that same gut feeling with you actually, reason why I was so persistent in being your friend because something inside me was telling me that it was meant to be that way, and look at us now. 🙂
I don’t have much to say, other than the fact that I’m REALLY missing Chris and I won’t see him until about 11 tonight. I know you’ll probably roll your eyes at that, but when you’re used to being with someone ever second, of every day, 12 hours apart is a REALLY long time. Blah. Pathetic, pathetic I know.
I miss you.
Either I broke up with Andrew way too early, or I stumbled upon this way too late.
Fuckmylife. It’s coming to the point where I’m actually starting to regret breaking up, even though I know it needed to happen. And I’m not the kind of person to really regret things, but this I regret.
Saturday night I stayed awake till about 6:30am, lying in bed — tossing, turning, and thinking. I think I really am having Andrew withdrawals. As the days and hours pass, I’m becoming less sad. But instead I’m getting more anxious. The only other word that can describe it right is uncomfortable. The breakup is making me so uncomfortable. It makes my stomach upset, kind of like butterflies — but more like moths that are trying to get out.
He is my soul mate. One day we will be together again for real. But not for another few years — not until we’re done with undergrad. Right now, though, we’re just not ready for each other. It’s just how I see and feel it. If something like that doesn’t happen than I am certain that I will pretty much be single for… ever.
I can’t help that I don’t want anyone else. I won’t ever want anyone else the way I want Andrew. I’m sure we’ll both date or whatever, but when it all comes down to what matters the most, it’ll be us together in the end. I don’t know why or how I know this or why/how it’s even going to be that way, but that’s just what’s going to happen.
In the meantime, I want to be good friends with him — best friends. The more I thought about it, I realized that while we were together, we acted like friends in some ways — we had fun doing stuff together and we both thought the other was pretty cool — but in other ways, we didn’t have the basics down. We’ve never really hung out in the car and talked for hours like I can do with everyone else. I don’t feel 100% comfortable singing and dancing in front of him. We’ve never just gone to the beach or just gone to Swingers or just walked around for the hell of it. And I want to start doing that — as friends. I want to be best friends for a while. And then when we’re ready, and he’s sober, and we’re mostly done figuring our lives out (goodness knows that will never actually end), then we’ll be together.
Trust me, I realize how crazy and obsessive I sound. And if it were anyone else spewing out these thoughts, I’d be like, “Suuuure…” and would strongly disagree with them and assure them that there are more people out there for them. But not me. He’s my wolf — my mate for life. My puppy.