Chai tea lattes with soy are really yummy. Just putting that out there. Moving on…
On Sunday evening, I was returning to my dorm from brunch. As I was walking, I was thinking about my boyfriend since we were about to video chat in the next couple minutes. I was thinking about how he kind of drinks and smokes a lot, to the point where you could call it dependency. And I decided that I didn’t really like that too much. The fact that he’s almost never sober — he’s high/drunk/on-his-meds more than he is sober — is a little unsettling, especially since I feel like his alcohol intake in particular has increased since we’ve been dating.
With those thoughts lingering in my head, I began vchatting with him. We went over the usual subjects: How are you? How did you sleep? What did you do last night?
Normally nothing really new or exciting ever happens to either of us. This time, however, that last question gave him something new to tell me: Saturday night, he took shrooms with a couple of his friends. Granted, shrooms aren’t the worst drug you could ever take. But after initially feeling a little unsure about his drug dependency, this information kind of threw me all out of whack and freaked me out a little bit. Especially when I asked him why he decided to, and he replied, “Why not?”
“Why not” is not a good enough reason to take shrooms — or really any drug, for that matter. So I talked to him about how I was feeling this morning. (It’s impossible to get private time with two roommates sometimes.) I think I bummed him out a little when I explained fully what was going on in my mind.
Not only am I worried about him and his health, but I end up feeling unimportant/unneeded/unwanted when he’s got drugs as a go-to. Why do I need to be there if drugs can make him feel better and elevate or lower his level of consciousness? Am I not enough to keep him happy while he’s sober (which isn’t very often anyway…)?
Obviously he didn’t like that I was feeling like that, and I guess he’s taking time to think about that today. We’ll talk later and discuss further.
Other than that, I’m just trying to help my friend finish costumes for the show. It opens on Friday, and we need to turboooo! I might have to do another midnight/mid-morning workout though. I think I’m going to be sewing into the late hours of the night, but I’m paranoid about getting re-flabby. I finally got comfortable enough to wear shorts, and I don’t want that to go away! I’ve been slacking unnecessarily. Ugghhh
P.S. I’m kind of glad that no one reads this except for you, Elana. I don’t know WHAT would happen if people we knew read this. We tend to talk about private matters. The internet is scary.