And Every Breath We Drew Was Hallelujah

Now do you understand why Andrew and I agreed to do a long-distance relationship?

I guess you went through the same realization as I did in August with Andrew. That Sunday before he came back from Europe (August 1st, I guess?), I cried for a couple hours till I fell asleep, because I did what you did and realized that not only did I love him, but I was also in love with him. Looking back on our Facebook messages, I see that I started telling him that I loved him about a week before my miniature emotion explosion.

Now imagine if you had to move 300 miles away in 5 months.

I’m so glad our boyfriends put up with our emotions.

As far as being in love goes, I also wonder how many people are actually in love and how many people are just together because they want or need something from that person besides love: money, offspring, a cover up (in the case of a closeted gay in denial), a trophy, sex, a label (“boyfriend,” “girlfriend,” “wife,” “husband,” “married,” “partner,” etc.), and more.

For example, I don’t think my mom was ever in love with my sister’s dad. Or with my dad. I could be convinced that she was in love with her first husband, to a certain extent. But her desire for a child overrode her love for Keevin, and they divorced (which is a shame, because Keevin’s awesome, and my life as her daughter is shit… they should have stayed married and childless). Then there was Richard #1 — my dad. I don’t think they were in love with each other. They had fun together, had unprotected sex (I don’t know whether that was intentional or not…. I really don’t understand why people get so offended/hurt if they’re supposedly a “mistake”), and out popped me. Richard #1 was her baby daddy. Then there was Richard #2, and I asked my mom about this one in a letter, because I told her that I didn’t believe they were ever in love. Apparently she wanted a father figure for me and financial support. Look how that turned out: my mother is a permanent monster with a brain injury, he was a shit dad, and I’m clinically depressed, partly (or maybe mostly) because I have family issues. I don’t even need to get into all the men she has dated. You saw Raju.

What my mom looks for are “qualities” rather than love, I think. Brains, money, adventure, gentlemanliness, etc. I wonder if she’ll ever find love. Even if she started searching for the right thing, I don’t think her personality would allow for it. Which is sad.

You said that you think “love is the ultimate feeling you can have in a relationship.” I can understand that, but I have a different opinion on it. I definitely was in love with Andrew that first time almost nine months ago, but since then, my love for him grew all crazy-like. Now, when he said “I love you” for the first time, on his birthday over the ph0ne, I don’t think he was actually in love with me. But when I read the little notebook  he gave me of mini letters he wrote while he was in Europe, I could tell that that was also when he started to actually love me. So I do think it can grow from the point of “falling in love.”

In response to your little buzzy feeling, I can relate. But I wouldn’t really explain it as a buzzy feeling. For me, it’s like a crazy perpetual anticipation feeling. If Andrew is two feet away from my reach, I’ll sometimes make come-here gestures. And that moment when he turns to look into my face and starts coming closer to hold me, it’s like a… soulgasm.

When I had asked my mom why she married Richard #2, I explained why it made no sense to me. To me, love is something precious and delicate, as well as strong. To be joined in holy matrimony — shouldn’t it, in fact, be holy? Even though, I’m not religious, I am somewhat spiritual, believing in energy, souls, and the like. (Now, that’s not to say that I believe in soul mates, necessarily. I think I still have to give that one more thought.) Just like any drug, love lifts you to another level of consciousness, another level of being. Senses are heightened, and when it’s taken away, you crash badly. It is transcendental. And with love, I feel connected to Andrew in a way that’s different from any other connection, like our souls are melded into one. As different as best friend love is from soul mate romantic love, even that has a weird spiritual connection. And because of this, I also don’t see how you can just fall out of love. I feel like this connection is one than can maybe grow thinner, but simply cannot be severed forever.

I hope I can stay with Andrew for as long as we can. My life without him would be… well, I don’t know, because I can’t imagine it.

Circle Theory says it all.



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