Our Bodies Are The Guilty Ones

I’m going to start off with the reason of why I asked you the question of you feeling lucky, or unlucky with your romance in the first place. The thing is, at times I feel like I have entered my relationship too soon. Sometimes I wish I met Chris a little later, but then other times I’m so happy I have him for support because like you, he holds me up when I’m crashing.

You saw the change in me, everyone did. The second I broke up with Kyle I became a monster, and I admit that, and feel so ashamed because of it. After I broke up with Kyle I became someone who I wasn’t, a party animal desperately seeking attention from anyone and anything. I would get myself so fucked up, in order to justify my actions, and would be a complete slut every weekend. At the time, I found nothing wrong with it, I figured I was making up for “lost time’. But in reality, I was lying to myself the whole time, I wanted to find Mr. Right so bad that I was willing to degrade myself to someone I’m not.

I don’t regret this crazy time in my life, I think everyone goes through one of these realizations (some more drastic than others) once in their life, but I have definitely learned a lot from it. I’m sorry if during those times I was a horrible best friend, because I can see how much it has affected us. But knowing the two of us so well, and how we have always naturally just clicked, I know years from now we’ll laugh about how much of a bitch I was last year.

Anyways, didn’t really want to get into that so moving on. I brought my crazy year up because Chris honestly saved me from myself. I was getting to the point where I stopped having fun getting wasted, and would only do so because it was what I was used to. How sad is that? It made me realize that every guy I have ever hooked up with was basically using me, and I feel no satisfaction in that anymore.

So even though sometimes I wish I had met Chris a little later in life, I’m so grateful that I met him when I did because who knows where or who I would have ended up.

So I talked to my mom about her love life for the first time. Turns out I was wrong, she was DEFINITELY, WITHOUT doubt in love with her first boyfriend. It made me want to cry the way she was talking about him. She dated him for 5 years. They lived with each other and even though he was her first, she knew in her heart that that was the man she was going to marry. Now, this is where things get funky. The boy was Muslim. Like heavy religious Muslim. And he told her straight up when she was beginning to want to settle down with him that: “You would be a terrible wife and mother and I can’t have someone like you to settle down with”. He loved her, but she wasn’t perfect. She was messy, lazy, everything I am. And in his culture that just doesn’t cut it.

So my mom ran, ran all the way to America because she realized she was wasting her time now with a guy who never sees a future with her. She married the first guy who showed companionship, being my dad, and in a way had Brenda and I in spite of her first love. Proved she can be a great wife and mother, not so much a great wife, but she definitely proved herself with raising Brenda and I.

I could tell she really was in love with him, and our theories seem to be correct. You don’t just forget someone you’re in love with. Those feelings don’t just go away, ever. Sometimes they get a little fuzzy, but love is one of the strongest emotions, ever. When she was talking about her love, I could tell she was getting a little choked up even know just thinking about him. This made me so incredibly sad, just imagine if your boyfriend told you you weren’t cut to be in his future….

I asked her if she regrets runnning away, if she wishes she would’ve stayed longer and tried to prove herself to him. She doesn’t regret coming to America, but she does regret losing him. She said herself, that she gets jealous of those who find and are happy with the one they love. She said flat out that not everyone is meant to find love, and WE are the lucky ones.

To never letting go to the ones we love,
Elana

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s