Way to jack my title, basically.
Anyway, I guess I’ll start with the vain stuff and end with the real stuff so that my blog doesn’t seem totally void by the end of it.
I decided I need switch my wardrobe over to dresses/skirts. I am so done with pants now. They never fit me and thus never look good on me. Plus, I’ll be in the land of sunshine in FIFTEEN DAYS where pants are going to be too warm anyway. However, since I don’t have very many casual dresses, I have to go and find some, of course. So yesterday, I went to Goodwill with a mission in mind. I was going to find dresses and skirts and do what it takes to alter them and make them fittable.
It’s only when you actually make the trip to the thrift store and start sifting that you realize (after making the same realization over and over every single time I do this) that there are some truly awful pieces of clothing out there. Even though this Goodwill had more dresses that actually fit me than any other Goodwill I’ve been too, they just weren’t worth it in the end. Priced at $9.99, I’m not going to get an OK dress when I can get one that I love for $20. And after any possible altering I had planned on originally doing (turning dresses into skirts with the help of elastic) it just really wasn’t worth it.
So — as always — I moseyed on over to the sweaters and jackets. Right away, I found this awesome whitish-beige Hollister zip-up hoodie lined with fake fur inside. It’s a Large, but Hollister is one of those companies that make clothes for anorexic people (probably a horrible thing to say, but really… those aren’t normal sizes), so it fits fine. It was $6.99. I bought it. It’s comfy.
This was the beginning and end of my only leisure shopping in Berkeley. Scratch that. I did get a Run-and-Tell-That shirt from Hot Topic for the amusement of Andrew. These are my Berkeley souvenirs. From places that exist in Los Angeles too.
I take that back again. I did get an elephant necklace and our bracelets on Telegraph. These are my souvenirs. How I then manage to burn through my budget of $150 a month, I have no idea. I guess the cost of living is more that I think: groceries, laundry, BART tickets, mail, random living necessities (like frickin TWENTY bucks for TEN Advil capsules for sinus pressure so my head wouldn’t explode on the plane like it did the first time), and, of course, presents for my people at home. I confess to spending a little bit on weed too, but not that much. My visits home recently haven’t exactly been thrifty either.
Different subject: I’m afraid of getting re-fat during the summer. It is so much more ridiculously difficult to exercise without a gym right next to you. As it is, working out is time-consuming. Having to go somewhere already adds at least half an hour, I’m sure. I also don’t think I’m going to have to motivation or dedication to go running every day, since I never did before. And I don’t have a gym membership because that costs money. Ballet isn’t going to cut it either. I need more cardio than that. Fuck. I’m going to gain my freshman 15 in the summer, I just know it.
OK truthfully, I don’t really have anything to talk about. You probably noticed that by now.
Again, I take that back.
Since I’ve been at Berkeley, my depression has attacked me and my mind, changing life views that I have held since forever. No longer do I think that school is the key to success or the way of the world or whatever. To be honest, I don’t even know what I thought before, since I’ve gotten so used to the way I’m seeing things now. Point is, I used to think education was really important.
I can’t even adequately describe to you or anyone how I feel about it now, but I’ll try to summarize it (I’m not going to do it very well). School is SO FUCKING LIMITING. You do all this mindless work to impress your educators in order to meet a certain standard of grades, units, and knowledge that some Joe Blow made up so that you can get a piece of paper that says you have done what it takes to get this very piece of paper. Congratulations, you are obedient and follow the rules of the big scary people who will punish you if you don’t.
It is so not about experience, because if it was, we would go out and fucking do things — actively. We would travel and seek out whatever we wanted and integrate ourselves in different types of communities to get to know different people and different ways of people. Instead, we sit in a classroom and listen to a professor drone on and on about something we don’t care about.
Granted, there are classes out there that people really do want to learn about. But I don’t think that schooling should be about earning a degree, which really is what it is, despite all the claims for gaining a well-rounded experience. I don’t think it should be required at all either. I think most of the elementary stuff is pretty useful: basic arithmetic, reading, and writing. I think that this stuff should be strongly encouraged. But even then, why they fuck should it be mandatory. It should be up to us individually if we want to communicate and function aptly in society.
What did I learn this semester? Dude, NOTHING.
Yes, I learned what a vomitorium is (it took me a good 4 minutes to think of something I learned). I know who Alvin Ailey is and I know that I like his choreography A LOT. I know about blackface minstrelsy. And I have read Medea.
Truth is, I could have done all those things without school. I would know what a vomitorium is if I simply did theatre. If I didn’t have school, I would see all the performances I could, and I would have seen Alvin Ailey. I probably would have seen his dance long ago. I don’t know if I would have ever found out about blackface minstrelsy, but now that I do know about it, I really don’t give a fuck. And I would have read Medea because I was initially interested in ancient Greek plays. I would have read and discovered that I think it’s stupid and wouldn’t have had to read all the other ones. Or maybe I would have read the other ones anyway since I wouldn’t be so bothered by school.
All right, maybe I don’t hate school necessarily. But I hate the school system with a deep passion. I want to TORCH all the universities in the world and restart this world with OPTIONS and FREE WILL. Maybe if all this knowledge was available to anyone and everyone and there for the taking, it would be all right.
I would say that the most valuable things I learned this semester was learning how to sew and living by myself. Neither of which was directly part of school, and both only caused by the fact that I am forced to be here because of school. I made a friend whom I decided to help out. He became my mentor. Voila, a vest! Pants! A dress! And if this wasn’t a stupid society, we would all be living on our own by age 10 or something. Seriously what other species stays with their mother for 18+ years?!
WE ARE SO DISFUNCTIONAL.
I wish learning was a more community experience — peers teaching one another in equality, experiencing and traveling together, and not feeling pressured to respond to a higher and superior power. AND/OR learning from a mentor who does know more about something than you do. Apprenticeship. Like private lessons but not quite.
How great would it be if you found a group of people (maybe like 20 people) who all shared interests with you and got along? You would be like a pod of people who share and learn and make mistakes with each other without feeling the need to impress or keep to standards or pay for your natural wrongs. I guess it would be like the student groups around campus. Except those are limited, because you can’t just travel whenever and wherever you want, and you are still keeping college your main focus.
I definitely don’t feel like I explained that well enough. But anyway, because of this (and because every other “system” of the world pretty much works the same way), I want to leave this existence so badly. The only realistic way to do this is obviously death, hence my fairly frequent suicidal thoughts (in addition to other reasons).
Before when I would think about the universe and what it is, I would think, “WOW.” The universe is so friggin massive and there is so much more to life than merely us. However, if science works the way it works — even if there are other planets with life and even if there is something beyond that — then it’s all just the same anyway. When it comes down to it, nothing else is out there and this is all there is.
This is all there is.
And this is so not a place I want to be.
I feel SO limited.
I do love Earth and everything natural. But we are not natural, and we are the world. I guess we’re meant to make the best of it, since our instinct is for survival. But it’s SUPER hard to do when I truly feel like there is no point. It’s super hard when we are doing nothing good to our home. The only superior there should be is Mother Earth. She supplies us with EVERYTHING we need for survival. E-V-E-R-Y-T-H-I-N-G. And we destroy her.
We have to be the stupidest species ever known to Earth. We kill the very thing that supplies us with life. Without the thing that supplies us with life, we die. Basically, we are working to commit suicide. How. Fucking. Brilliant.
Homo sapiens: Latin for “wise man” or “knowing man.”
Proud to be human,
P.S. I’m pretty sure this post was way too long.
P.P.S. Not expecting you to understand, and even if you claim you do, I won’t believe you.