We Must Let Go To Know What’s Right

I was just going to do this blog when I woke up in the morning, but now I just want to do it now, a little past midnight. So keep in mind that when I talk about what happened on Tuesday, I’m just going to say “today.”

I was really hoping that you could have told me how it all started, because I really don’t remember how we ended up hooking up. I mean, were you even there? Or was it after everyone left the jacuzzi? Damn my drunk memory — or rather, my lack of one.

Anyway, my last real update of what was going on between me and Andrew was the text I sent him (“Hey. I like you.”). A couple hours later he responded, “I like you too.” Ambiguous, but acceptable, I suppose. At least he doesn’t hate me, that’s always a good sign. After that, I said something along the lines of “So I’m guessing that we should probably have a discussion soon about what happens next.” Now, you and I both know that Andrew is very sensitive. I’m guessing this kind of scared him, because I didn’t hear back from him. Later during my 30-minute break at work, I texted him again saying, “Sushi Mac before class tomorrow night?” Once again, no response.

This morning I called him and asked if we were going to meet up. My dear boy once again answered ambiguously with a “maybe” and a “we’ll keep in touch” and some random excuses about possibly being in Santa Monica.

So later in the day I texted him again asking the same thing. He asked when I was thinking and I suggested around 6. He suggested 6:30.

Along comes 6:10pm. I call him.

Me: Hey are you at home?
Him: Yeah.
Me: Alright well I’m going to come over now then, K?
Him: Well, you wanted to talk, right? I’m assuming about a couple nights ago.
Me: Yeah.
Him: What did you want to talk about then?
Me: Well I was going to come over and talk to you in person…. Would you rather just talk on the phone?
Him: Well… some of the homies are going to come over, and what I want to tell you is something you’re not going to want to hear.


First of all, I highly doubt that his homies were going to come over for like 20 minutes, since he would have had to leave for acting class at about 6:45, and we talked for about 15 minutes. I mean, it wasn’t even that it made little sense, it was more the way he said it that made it sound like an excuse. And second of all, I have a feeling that he is terrified of rejecting me face-to-face. Same thing happened when I begged for his love back.


Anyway, he basically told me that he figured I wanted to get back together, judging from my “what happens next” text. I said that I knew what I wanted, all I wanted to know was what he wanted, since that was going to rule how our relationship ended up anyway. He said that we wasn’t ready for any relationship with anyone, he still doesn’t trust me yet, but he is trusting me more, and he still likes me, but basically we were both just really drunk on Saturday. I asked why it happened then, and he said, “Because we still have feelings for each other.” He’s still down to hang out and stuff though, which is chill. Basically we’re back to Saturday morning before it all happened and we were flirting with each other and that was that.

I definitely cried a teensy bit (but more so after the call). The way I imagined this happening (actually, this was what I was really going to do, had I met up with him in person rather than on the phone) was that I did expect him to be all scared and possibly even regret what happened. When he said all this, I was going to warn him that I was going to be a super dork in a second and to not make fun of me. Then I was going to burst in song. I was going to sing Mimi’s part in “Another Day” from Rent, but kind of paraphrased and adjusted:

The heart may freeze, or it can burn
The pain will ease, if I can learn
There is no future, there is no past
I live this moment as my last

There’s only us, there’s only this
Forget regret, or life is yours to miss
No other road, no other way
No day but today

I can’t control my destiny
I trust my soul
My only goal
Is just to be
There’s only now, there’s only here
Give in to love, or live in fear
No other path, no other way
No day but today
No day but today
No day but today

But I didn’t do that. It would have been even more awkward on the phone.

When we had acting class half an hour after that, it was kind of back to normal — us talking like normal, joking with each other, all that. The only thing that was different was that we didn’t hug and we didn’t sit next to each other. Although, he said that was because I had the flu, which I definitely do: my body hurts everywhere, including my head, and I feel like I’m on 10,000 drugs. But I think that might have also been an excuse. Ugh.

And on a completely unrelated note, we did the best exercise ever in acting class. You would have FUCKING LOVED it! Because I did! We did Stanislavsky’s exercise of becoming a tree. And since this is a method acting class, it has almost nothing to do with performance and everything to do with the way you feel. It was so amazing. I was the tree in my backyard that I climb sometimes. During the exercise, I ended up naming the biggest tree in my backyard. So now I have two named trees: Sabrina Tree and Papa Tree.

I really wish you could have done this class. You would have really enjoyed it and it would have been good for you.

Well… I guess that’s all for now. Project A is still in progress. I’m going to woo my lover and wait for him to trust me. I believe it’s going to happen. I only wish he did.


P.S. I tried taking Human Sexuality at SMC a year ago! It was a transferrable class for my 7 breadths. But it was either full or not available that semester. Poop.


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