How High Does the Sycamore Grow?

First: I say audition for it. Because, why the hell not? You could be in Spring Awakening!

Last: Those programs sound really chill. You should do them definitely.


So damn it. I think there’s something a tiny bit funky monkey between Andrew and me. I hung out with him yesterday before work for about 3 and a half hours. It was almost exactly normal. We were laughing and joking with each other. He tickled me and played with my leg fat. But I couldn’t help but feel that it was all a little iffy or off. It was like he was holding back, or like he was scared to give in (surprise, surprise). Especially when we hugged, I felt like it was different. It wasn’t like our recent hugs. It wasn’t as long, it wasn’t as special, and it didn’t mean as much. It was the kind of hug you get when a person is in a rush and is mostly hugging you because they should.

I don’t even know if I have anything else to say. What I’ve written so far has taken me an hour already. So I guess I’m just going to talk about things like love and loss and longing and whatever else.

I texted you earlier that I’m at that impatient stage again. Well, it really sucks. I just want to say the right words, make the right moves, and somehow push the just the right buttons so that he’s ready to trust me again. And since I’m so crazy lovestruck, I feel — of course — like I can do all the right things to strike him just perfectly. I feel like since I’m so in love, I’m empowered to do these things. It’s like my soul has got me covered, so my brain can take a rest.

And honestly, since I’m so crazy, I really don’t know what I should do. I almost really feel like going for it, but my buddy brain of mine is telling me that that’s probably not the best idea right now.

AHH best friend of mine! Help me out! I feel useless and static doing nothing. I want to do something to woo him back a little more quickly. What should I do? Got any sneaky ideas that I could try out?

Every time I remember what we were and every time I envision what we could be, it simultaneously breaks my heart and raises my spirits all the way to heaven. We were so good together, and now — after all this heartache and rebuilding of trust — we could be even better.

What happened this summer is something I can’t believe even happened. What I tried to do is such a violation of nature and such a betrayal to the earth. I learned a lot. It’s not really up to me whether I’m on this planet or not. Technically, yes it is up to me, because I tried to take advantage of that. But I mean on the bigger scale. Like the way bigger scale. I am a part of the earth. And since I understand this more now, I truly don’t believe it’s ever going to happen again.

The trees taught me everything. (I’m just going to go ahead and accept that I’m an urban hippie.) And because of this… HELLO TATTOO IDEA FOR US! It came to me the other night. It’s seems so obvious now. A tree of life tattoo. Kind of like the tree I drew by my bed. The meaning of the tree of life is everything we stand for. And since it’s usually drawn with some kind of circle around it (either with the roots connecting to the branches, or just a circle around the tree) — hello circle of life and circle theory. It’s SO US.

Check out some pics:

The last one is best of all, since it’s like actually circle theory, and it’s actually kind of freaking me out.

So just google “tree of life tattoos” to check out more.

Also, on the subject of tattoos, I friended Ink Monkey Tattoo on facebook and looked at the artists’ porfolios. I think I want Daniel to do mine. 🙂

I guess that’s all for now!

P.S. I don’t like “Bari.” I don’t like the way it sounds or looks. It is not aesthetically pleasing to me. Sorry.

P.P.S. I stumbled upon this water color art piece that I really like. It’s called Remember. You can get that for me for my birthday.

P.P.P.S. I would like to point out that I think my title for this post is fucking brilliant.


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