I texted you earlier saying that I was lonely. And I don’t know what it is about doing something responsible with my everyday life — whether it be work or school — but I’m so lonely. So much lonelier than usual.
I want to be cuddled so badly after having a long day at work. Best/worst of all, I pass right by Andrew’s house everyday on my way back from Pinkberry. It would be so easy to just turn right on Airdrome from La Cienega instead of driving sadly forward for another 12 minutes. I want to be held at night, watch an episode of Avatar: the Last Airbender, get smoked out and fall asleep in his arms. I want to do Andrew-and-Sabrina things with Andrew.
I don’t like being a single lady. Kinda wishin’ I had a ring on it almost.
I also texted you saying that my soul was sad without its mate. I really think it is. I feel like it’s hidden in my heart-cave bent in sorrow and feeling so melancholy. I feel like its little light just isn’t as bright as it could be.
I’m in that mood where I want to cry a little. Last blog, you were supposed to help me with ideas and help me in general to figure out what to do. You didn’t exactly help, yo. I want my boy back, and I am willing to wait for him. But I can’t just sit here and do nothing. It’s like waiting for a seed to become a tree and forgetting to give it water and nutrients.
I’ve got my little sprout, but I’m ready for my tree.
I’ve been thinking. Thinking about Andrew (obviously) and his trust problems. When I talked to him on Tuesday over the phone, he explained that he was afraid of becoming dependent. He said that he didn’t want to me to be depressed and depend on him for support. It brought him down so much, and he doesn’t want that to happen again. After mulling that over a bit, I’m starting to think that his trust issues are less about other people and more about him. I think he doesn’t trust himself to be able to handle those emotions in those kinds of situations. I don’t necessarily think his main fear is that I’ll fall back into depression, although I do believe that’s a large part. I feel like he is mainly worried about handling himself in those situations.
But I also think he’s putting too much pressure on himself. I wish I could somehow establish with him that in a relationship, I’m not his responsibility. And now that I’ve gone through what I’ve gone through, I know how to handle it if it does happen again. And what makes me frustrated is that I could so easily help him handle it appropriately too.
We all get sick. Flu, chicken pox, leukemia, depression. It’s all the same in the long run. They all have different symptoms and treatments, but in the end, all that matters is that someone is out there loving you no matter what.
We are all just misguided ghosts.