Trusting Desire, Starting To Learn

Awww. 🙂
The entire time I was reading your blog my smile kept growing bigger and bigger! Things seem so amazing for you, almost even better to the way they were before. You guys are so cute. ❤

So I think I’m a lesbian. You probably already know this, but no… I mean I truly believe that I’m a lesbian deep down and society has molded me into something that is somewhat straight, and while in that somewhat straight persona I awkwardly fell in love with a man. But hey, we don’t choose who we fall in love with, right?

I believe this is true for several reasons. My fake first kiss I hated, I was grossed out, I felt puke-y. I remember the worst feeling in the world during my first kiss. This kiss was with Barrett, and Van, and Cooper. I hated all three.

My real first kiss, I also hated. It was with Kyle this time. I had that same ughy feeling I did with my fake ones, it was gross, I felt disgusting every time to the point where I told Kyle that I REALLY do want to be with him, as long as he doesn’t ever kiss me. I used to tell him that if we didn’t kiss for long periods of time, it would “feel better” when we finally did, I just hoped that time would never happen, and it didn’t, and then we broke up. 😮

My 3rd, 4th, 5th, nth, kisses that I actually liked, were drunk. I loved kissing. I loved kissing anything, but I was drunk. I haven ever kissed Blake sober, and I’m starting to believe if I did, I wouldn’t have ever fallen so pathetically involved with him. I’m trying to think of sober kisses, like my kisses with Kevin or uhh.. I honestly don’t remember any others. Kisses were Kevin, I was basically shaking. It made me so entirely nervous. I always felt judged, and uncomfortable. OH! And I kissed that Auz dude soberly at SMC. Yeah, ew.

Oh, and I also kissed Zach sober. It bugged me. It didn’t feel right. I blamed it on him not being “aggressive” enough, never thought about the fact that he was a guy.

Now, Chris and I kiss daily, I mean we are in a healthy relationship after all (without fucking every chance we get) :).  I love his kisses, they make me feel so entirely happy, a kiss has never ever done that to me, except my drunk kiss with rolling Sara Margulis who doesn’t even remember any of it, I kiss raped her.

I go to school now, as you already know. And I find myself checking out the woman, feeling almost turned on by certain girls. I have NO guy-radar. It’s almost like Chris helped me realize and come out with my lesbianism, but I’m still in love with him and that doesn’t change. I came across this conclusion in my sex-ed class.

This girl named Kelsey sat next to me and she poked me randomly during class and was like: “The guy with the green hat is really cute!” And I looked at him for a second, and I knew that the previous me would’ve agreed, and actually though she meant it. He had an amazing jaw line and all the technicalities that make someone “sexy”, but this new me, didn’t see it. I found him as an attractive male, I know what is considered attractive but the attraction didn’t even close to turn me on, there was nothing to it.

On the other hand, I was looking at this blonde girl a few rows back the entire class. I sorta lied to Kelsey and was like: “Yeah! He has a really good jaw line. :)” And she was just like “Mmm. Yup! 🙂 Sorry, I had to tell someone.” “It’s fine, I have a boyfriend so it’s nice sitting next to someone who can.” “:o I have a boyfriend too? I still find that man sexy though.”

And then it hit me.
Hit me like a ton of bricks. I don’t find other men sexy at ALL anymore and I don’t think that’s supposed to stop because I’m in love…

That night at Andrew’s house, last night I was in LA, when I was a little bit tipsy YOU were the most attractive person to me. We wanted each other, badly. And when you were busy with Andrew, I couldn’t take my eyes off of Christine. Chris noticed, he knew I was a little into her from the start. He could sense that I constantly tried to find ways to talk to her, and sadly it’s true.

But besides me being a lesbian and all, Chris is the person I want to live with for the rest of my life. I honestly need him, I can’t take care of myself and I don’t want a girl to have those responsibilities over me. I don’t like butch girls anyways. The good thing abut Chris is I told him I’m a lesbian, and it doesn’t seem to bother him at all. Well, why would it, he’s a guy with a dick. He told me I have permission to bring girls home. 🙂 YAY! And he does promise not to do anything with them, just watch me with them, which is so very very nice of him.

Dang. I talked a lot about that lol. I thought my blog was going to be extremely short because me being a true lesbian has been the only thing on my mind. Oh! I was supposed to tell you about my fight with Chris today.

So I had my music theory class today. I met this guy named Kyle, he’s this red-headed kid, who’s about 22. We talked all of class and we got along pretty well, but on a friend level of course. I catch myself doing this ALL the time, I feel the need to mention Chris like 50 times to a person so they understand I am NOT SINGLE!

Anyways, he new I had a boyfriend, but he enjoyed talking to me so I made a friend. Yay! Anyways, when we were leaving he was like: “It was nice meeting you, have a good weekend but don’t get too plastered! I know you love to party.” He doesn’t. He was just joking around like any teenage boy would do. But my response was: “Because I have friends here to party with…” and then he invited me to the beach on Sunday.

He didn’t just invite me though. It was really nice actually, his invite went on the lines of: “Well, me and a few friends are going to the beach this Sunday.. if you’re not doing anything, would you want to come? You’re willing to bring your boyfriend.” That was a sign to me at least that he was an OK guy. He wasn’t trying to steal me from Chris, he was just down to make a new friend. So I gave him my number and let Chris know.

Now this bothers Chris. He doesn’t care that he too was invited, he just looks at the detail that another guy asked me to the beach. It really really bothers me that he takes gender under so much consideration. I even asked him, if it was a girl who asked me, would he care? And he said no.

It bothers me. I don’t get along with girls on that level, you know that. You’re the only girl who’s awesome enough for me. All other girls are bitchy and judgmental and I hate them!!!! 😦

So I let him know. I asked him if we were going to even consider going on Sunday, and his response was to not get my hopes up. I stayed quiet most of the ride home, but I’m on my period, and I wasn’t about to drop it. I didn’t find it fair. This whole time we’ve moved here, I’ve been dying to make new friend and I finally got the opportunity to hang out with people outside of school and I was probably not going to be allowed to go. Of course this upset me.

So yes, we fought. We might have yelled at each other a couple of times. I’m not really sure where it put us, we definitely loved and kissed and were happy with each other afterwards, but I honestly don’t know if I’m going on Sunday or not. I kinda hope he is open to going, the guy is really friendly and didn’t flirt ONCE. 🙂

What is your take on this whole thing? I have such mixed feelings about it. Like it turns me on that Chris cares so much, and is so protective. That’s so sexy to me. But at the same time I feel like he’s limiting my life, taking away life from me almost. Like my life can only consist of him. I shouldn’t care, but I think I would end up losing my mind and become a very depressed person. I need people in my life, I need to experience things, and I want to experience these things WITH Chris, so I want him to be there. 😦

I also want people to know he exists. I can’t really explain that side of it as much. He’s the most important person in my life and I want the world to know he’s my provider, my lover, my everything. I don’t want people to know him as invisible, I want them to know him as someone who is in my life 24/7, which is what Chris is. Even when I’m away from him all I do is text him. We’re stupidly in love.

My fingers are getting sore. This is definitely one of my longest blogs. Enjoy? 🙂

I love you friend. You’re fucking sexy.
So, umm.. you know how I’m part of that play seeing group? Well, some performances are at the Ahmanson/Mark Taper Forum meaning those Thursdays I’m driving up to LA. Meaning, I should probably stay the weekend, coughcough.


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