I’ll start off by responding to everything you said, since I’m not sure what to talk about in my post yet.
Regarding your lesbianism: what you said about not seeing any other male as attractive sounds familiar. You said you didn’t think it would be entirely because you are in love. But everything you described about the way you see other guys now is exactly how I have been like for a year. And for me, it was because I was/am in love. It’s kind of impossible for me to see other guys as attractive. And just like you, I know how to identify attractiveness, but there isn’t a single other boy besides Andrew who would actually catch me eye for real. I’m stuck on him, which is why the idea of dating people after we broke up didn’t seem like much fun… or even possible.
So I do think that all that is happening for you because you’re in love. But since a whole half of the population is now eliminated from your eye of desire, you only look at the half that is available or interesting to you: girls. The same thing kind of happens with me too though. I only really see girls as attractive and wonder how the rest of the world even makes babies: why would anyone go for that guy because, seriously, there is just no sexual desire there?
You’re definitely more lesbian than me though, and I’ll leave it at that.
Now I want to talk about the theme of your last fight. And I just have one thing to say about it: I think it’s only appropriate for him to keep you on a leash, but not in a cage.
The last thing I wanted to respond to is from a couple posts ago. It’s about the responsibility thing: is the man responsible for his woman, or are they two independents who care equally for each other?
I think it depends. I think since it works for your relationship, the former statement makes a lot of sense. I think with Andrew and me, though, I think we’re both a little too young still to be that responsible for any other person just yet. But I think for older and more mature people in a regular relationship, I think it’s a responsibility on both parts to care for and love each other unconditionally. I don’t think either Andrew or I am old enough to take on that much weight yet.
You and Chris have a different kind of relationship though. First of all, he is old enough to be in that kind of responsible position. Second of all, there’s that whole dominance aspect in your relationship, so I think it’s appropriate.
I don’t know what else to say. Yesterday when I was at work (which was so slow, by the way — I probably served like 7 people in 5 hours), I realized it was so much easier than normal. I had woken up next to Andrew that morning, and everything was perfect. I had my earrings in my pocket, the moon/star earrings that he had sent me in Berkeley, the earrings that I was wearing when I slept next to him that night. Special earrings. I was feeling good and was so excited to see him again!
He’s so cute! And I think his trust issues with me and melting away, little by little. I’m so ready to be with him again. I want to kiss him and cuddle him and wrap my legs around him and rub noses with him. I especially want to be able to look forward to going to his house after work and sleeping next to him.
P.S. Hung out with Isaiah, Barrett, Brian, Kyle, Isaac, Natalie, Lillie, Dylan, and Sofia last night. Sofia and Brian snuck away for probably an hour to talk or whatever. Sofia’s probably in love with two people again…. She’s off to San Francisco today to meet up with her special Indian friend. Oh boy.
P.P.S. I rolled my first joint last night!! It’s so much harder than it looks.
P.P.P.S. Andrew asked me out on another date. You know how Sushi Mac is one of our date spots? Well I had found out earlier that there’s one way closer to his house. So when I was there Tuesday night, as I began massaging him, he said, “You have to show me where that Sushi Mac is.” Me, being a dummy, said, “Oh, it’s right where the Beverly Center is! You know where La Cienega is and then there’s the Jamba Juice?” Him: “No, you don’t have to explain where it is. I mean, you should bring me there soon.”