I really enjoy your posts. I just thought I’d let you know, because I seem to always forget to mention it.
Even though your life is full of emptiness, and sorrow, it almost seems like your life is more meaningful at times. Those little things excite you to tears, while I’m usually consistently flat-lined and those times where I do feel more excited than normal, I have a mini panic-attack episode because I fear it won’t last.
I bought a wii yesterday. A brand new wii that came with Mario Kart. It seriously brought me so much happiness. Money can’t buy you love, or bring you happiness is now a myth in my eyes. Money makes things less stressful, and without the stress you can actually enjoy the love. When Chris is stressed out, he can’t focus on me, and as a result I’m left to being that zombie, alone and sad, and unwanted.
I hate feeling unwanted and unimportant to my lover. It’s the worst feeling in the world and my stupid head cooks it all up. I know he loves and wants me. And sees me as the most important thing in his life. He chooses me over his family, and as a family man, that’s a lot to expect from someone and he does it with such ease. His mom still thinks he’s living in a house with a bunch of guys and Derrick (old pinkberry coworker) is his roommate. He hides me from the world to be accepted within his home and I think I hate that. I hate being locked inside a closet, it’s time for me to come out!
My boyfriend lives in the future, while I live in the past. We’re rarely on the same page. I miss those days, when I used to live at his brother place, the days where we would lie in bed together and enjoy eachothers company until 5pm. Those times where all we had were eachother, and eachother was enough because we were constantly happy. It truly hurts to say this, but sometimes I feel like we’re fighting for that love we used to have, that love we barely see anymore. It’s like we’re fighting for something that already died, although, those rare and brief times that we do feel the way we did in the first few months, are worth all of this hardship.
This blog has left me in a weird mood. My thoughts are moving slower than normal. I’m afraid my boyfriend is depressed (he shows all the same symptoms you did) and I think it’s bringing me to a dark place I don’t want to be. I need my best friend. This world is lonely, and fake without the people who mean something to you. Come back into my life.