I just got back from Andrew’s house.
I have hickeys on my neck again.
We didn’t have sex.
I think we’re in love.
We did a lot of cuddling tonight. In fact, everything we did was more sensual than sexual. It was like nothing yucky had ever happened this summer at all. We played with each other and felt each other’s skin. While he sat at the piano to show off all the new songs he was learning, I stood behind him, massaging his head and leaning into him. On the couch, watching Avatar: the Last Airbender, sipping tea, and smoking a tiny bit, he eventually landed his head in my lap.
How do you think I should present the poem to Andrew? In person? Leave it on his windshield? I don’t even know, man.
Barrett is leaving Los Angeles in only a few hours. I’m going to miss that kid so much. How did I end up losing everyone this summer? Andrew and I dissolved. You got a different life. Barrett is going away to learn some stuff. What next? How does anyone stay together? How is the whole world not suffering from loneliness? I feel like once people split up — as in, physically move to different places — they stay split up. You already left the group. What if Kyle ends up wanting to stay in Boston because he realizes how much he loves that lifestyle? What if Barrett grows up to have a fancy career that has him traveling a lot. What if in college, Brenda forgets that the people back home were once important to her? What if you keep your same lifestyle with Chris and alienate yourself from your friends forever? And what if Andrew goes to Ireland finish college?
What happens when I go back Berkeley to finish my degree?
I can’t think anymore….
I’m really fucking tired, and I’m stoned. Sleep is good.