I’ve come to some final realizations tonight.
- I don’t have a life. It has actually come to the point where I would definitely rather work than have a day off. My days off have been so fucking lame. Yes, I went to Disneyland with my sister yesterday, but trust me, it wasn’t as exciting as it should have been. In the end, I was just angry with Disneyland for taking away the fact that it used to be the happiest place on earth. The Happiest Place On Earth is the perfect example of a tyrannous government/lifestyle. And I realized that yesterday. It lost it’s magic. I’m kind of over it for a while. I realized also that it completely lost Walt Disney’s supposed vision of the place — a place of wonder and excitement and appreciation and belief and faith and creation. Now it’s just secretly a dictatorship. But the point was that I don’t have a life. On the days where I’m supposed to be doing something that’s not work, I have no one to hang out with, no extra money to use, and when I do have someone to spend time with, nothing happens.
- No one else has a life either, even if they think they do. School, work, smoke pot, do drugs, rid yourself of consciousness, do things that make no difference in the end.
- I’m going to live a loveless life forever. I don’t even want to get into this one.
- I am going to have to take meds forever if I want to think normally, because this is me when I forget to take them.
- I am TIRED of relying on meds to lead a “normal” life. Basically, I’m stuck.
- Now that my mother put the idea in my head of never going back to school, I think about it a lot. And the more that I think about it, the more my hatred for school gets brought out, Berkeley in particular. Maybe I wanted the “college experience” while I was in high school, but now that I’ve tasted that, I am so over it. It’s such an immature yet stuffy environment full of pompous, arrogant idiots. And the education — I don’t even want to get into that either. All I can say is that it’s SO STUPID. And homework. I just fucking HATE homework. Period.
- I will remain permanently furious with my mother. Forever.
Were you there in English when we read The Bridge of San Luis Rey? Well basically I’m having the same existentialist crisis that the characters went through in that. You know, the characters that ended up committing suicide in the end. Those ones. Exactly that. And the ladies in The Hours. Like Virginia Woolf.
Dearest, I feel certain that I am going mad again. I feel we can’t go through another of those terrible times. And I shan’t recover this time. I begin to hear voices, and I can’t concentrate. So I am doing what seems the best thing to do. You have given me the greatest possible happiness. You have been in every way all that anyone could be. I don’t think two people could have been happier ’til this terrible disease came. I can’t fight any longer. I know that I am spoiling your life, that without me you could work. And you will I know. You see I can’t even write this properly. I can’t read. What I want to say is I owe all the happiness of my life to you. You have been entirely patient with me and incredibly good. I want to say that – everybody knows it. If anybody could have saved me it would have been you. Everything has gone from me but the certainty of your goodness. I can’t go on spoiling your life any longer. I don’t think two people could have been happier than we have been. V.
Freedom is a lost cause. I don’t even believe it exists anymore.