Totally Fucked!

I see exactly where you are coming from, I actually had that moment with Keli during gymnastics like 8 or so years ago. I started to believe that there was no point in living and no one really has a life because the government will never stop controlling not only our doings, but what we believe to be true. I’m learning so much lately about things that I once believed were true, which are actually 100% bullshit that people just want us to believe to make their lives easier and more “controlled”. I agree, no freedom.

Now, I’m not freaking out at all about what you have been going through. I gave up with living a LONG ass time ago. I decided that I’m always going to do what I (super capital I right there) and that is why I’m probably extremely selfish at times. This is MY life, and because of it I’m going to live it MY way. If you don’t want to go back to school, don’t. That’s how I see it.

My uncle has been bugging me so much about this. My uncle to me, is like your mom to you. I hate him right now. I want absolutely nothing to do with him and he has made my life a million times more depressing and stressful than I have ever been. I’m not a depressed person, and I easily go with the flow of things (air bender, fuck yeah!) but he has made me turn into an awful person lately. I think he might be a stubborn, earth bender. One of the bad guys though. One who thinks his ways are always best, and never takes account to anyone elses beliefs. I can’t stand it anymore. I want to never speak to him again.

I think I have work tomorrow. I’m not going and he’s probably going to yell at me but I’m done listening to him. I’m done hearing about his dislike for Chris, and how I’ll get over him soon. I’m done listening to what he wants me to do with my life, and how I NEED my license this month. I’m done listening to how the only way I can be happy is if I become a millionaire like him, because money is the only thing that will make me happy. He is full of bullshit and I hate him. I hate his beliefs and I hate how he thinks he’s God. He is not GOD! And everyone is different, I’m different and money is definitely not something that I need to be happy. Yes, it makes things a hell of a lot less stressful and more exciting, but I want to earn that money the way I want to earn it, not the way he wants me to earn it.

I regret getting a couch from him, or a fridge from him. Buying a TV with Chris was such an amazing, satisfactory experience. Brenda’s response to me getting a TV was: “I thought you didn’t care about TV’s! I thought you weren’t materialistic!” and I thought about that for a second, and I’m honestly not. But there was definitely joy brought to me buying a TV with Chris with the money WE made. It’s like we accomplished something and adding it to our home feels really nice. It’s something we’re actually in control of. We get to pick out what we want for OUR place and we get to place things wherever WE want to. It’s quite refreshing actually and so I regret letting my uncle buy those things for me, because I think it would’ve been a lot more satisfying to have saved up for it on our own.

I hate money, by the way. I hate how much control it has on our lives. I wish we could go back to the bartering system. When I refer to the bartering system, I’m not only talking about the bartering of objects, but the bartering of skills. Like, I’ll paint your house, if you can fix my sink. I think the world would be a much better and less selfish place. And I think people would be a lot smarter and actually know skills and take time to learn skills so they can aid others and have more opportunities when they need help. If that makes any sense. Money sucks.

So I keep having meltdowns. I’m getting sick of it actually and I’m mad at myself for being at that state. I don’t know where it’s coming from, I’ve never been depressed before, so why now? I think it has to do with the fact that I feel like my uncle is controlling my life, and starting to control my mind also. Reason why I hate him. He’s brainwashing me, and I hate myself for allowing him to. I’ve noticed that this whole time I’ve lived here in Fullerton, I’ve felt the need to prove how amazing Chris is when it really has nothing to do with him.

Chris quit his job, not sure if I told you. When he told me, I SUPER flipped out. That’s what started the breakdown. I was mostly freaking out because I didn’t want my uncle to have to find out. I didn’t want to hear about how irresponsible Chris is, or how he won’t be able to support me and how I can’t rely on him because Chris doesn’t have it in him. I can’t hear it anymore. The next time he brings Chris up I swear I’m going to explode!

So I got mad at Chris, because of my uncle which was wrong and stupid of me.  But my uncle stresses me out. He influences my life so much to the point where I’ve noticed that I’ve chosen a major, just so he stops asking me what it is. I’m super into acting all of a sudden because I’m actually acting, I let go of any subconscious fears on stage and love being up there. Love the emotions that go with it and love the escape. I want to act so badly now, and I almost want to major in theatre just for my own knowledge and betterment.

My friend Michael is pretty incredible with his life because he doesn’t give a fuck what the social norm is, or what the system says to do. He doesn’t give a fuck, because he doesn’t really understand it. His autism has made it difficult to understand social constructs, which makes him SUPER awkward and annoying at times, but I think it’s incredible that he can live so blind to what the government wants of him. He goes to school COMPLETELY for himself. He barely goes to school for that matter. He is constantly teaching himself the things HE wants to know.

Right now the only class he is taking is Chinese, and the only reason he’s taking it is because he finds it difficult to understand the tones on his own and he loes languages. He knows like 8 already, he’s crazy. But the point is, he goes to school, not to get a good grade or any of that, he goes to learn and I respect that. I wish the school system was 100% different. I hate the school system, and it’s just making us a puppet and I’m NO PUPPET!!!

So I think Chris is getting super annoyed at me because I’ve been typing for like 30 minutes. I just have so much to say about life because it IS stupid and I’m also sick of it. Chris is the only thing that is keeping me going right now. I don’t feel too angry around him, he has his ways, but I definitely do feel anger and he does notice it.

My Blog bonus will just be a random fact I learned today that has my mind boggled lol. I know it’s kind of cheating, but I want to stop ranting and I don’t want to look for anything sufficient. But anyways, I learned that when you’re on birth control you have a FAKE period every month. It’s not necessary at all. As a matter of fact, if you were to skip the sugar pills and go on to the next cycle of pills, you wouldn’t get your period at all. It’s not necessary because your body thinks your pregnant (reason why you don’t get pregnant) and you don’t have your period while you’re pregnant. The only reason why doctors make you have a “fake” period, is because socially, females believe that something is wrong with them when they don’t have their period and they don’t want people freaking out about it. I’m done having my period.

Also, the thing that makes NO sense to me at all about birth control is that during that week where you take sugar pills, can’t you get pregnant? My teacher (and my doctor) said that if I ever did want to get pregnant to stop taking the pill and I am capable of getting pregnant as soon as the next day….

So, if I don’t take my pill for a whole week, isn’t it possible to get pregnant?!! I asked my teacher and he was completely stumped. BC is retarded. But useful, so whatever. Doctors are retarded.
P.S. No I did not read The Bridge of San Luis Rey, and yes I read Arcadia.


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