And I know that it’s complicated, but I’m a loser in love, so baby, raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends!
Some men may follow me, but you choose death and company.
The end especially gets me when the Johnny Cash comes on with You Are My Sunshine. I played Sunshine on the ukulele in Berkeley and sang it to Andrew over vchat. It was also the song that I kept singing in the hospital over the summer.
I keep going over what happened. Now that it’s over, I don’t know what happened or how it happened. How could we have lost each other after a year and a half of being happy together? How could it suddenly go so rotten?
It keeps playing over and over in my mind like a video montage:
- His facebook message on my wall the day after the cast party: “glad you were able to come out last night, wish you could have stayed longer”
- Our first “date” when he took me hiking up at Will Rogers during lunch. We were basically wearing the same thing: blue faded jeans and a white wife-beater tank. As we started walking, he held out his hand for me to hold it, his on the bottom, mine on top. Then we switched. After about 15 minutes, we reached the view — my beautiful Los Angeles. He grabbed me and kissed me.
- When he showed up to my house for non-prom in the snazziest outfit and a limo on the curb. I remember answering the door, him commenting on the way I looked, and then me running away right after because I was embarrassed and nervous and happy. Later at his house, he put the corsage on my wrist. After prom, we were inside on the couch after most people had left, and he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I wasn’t ready yet.
- The Thursday after, we took Libby on a walk and Andrew asked me out. I said yes.
- Graduating, sitting next him. He was squeezing my knee the whole time, and I was so happy to be with him. I met his family, and they took a picture of me. But I was embarrassed because I was crying.
- Birthday party at his house for all the June bloomers. I lost my virginity to him that night.
- June 18, 2010, Andrew turned 18. We baked an apple pie for him, he called me and said “I love you” at the end of the call, and I didn’t say it back. At the bonfire, he called me his girlfriend and said it out loud to everyone, and I felt so special.
- Mid-July he left to go to Europe, and I ached for him the whole 3 weeks. The Sunday before he got back, August 1st, I lay in my bed crying for a couple hours because I had fallen in love. He was supposed to arrive on the Thursday, but was delayed ’til Friday. I cried on Friday right before I got to see him, because I was so frustrated that I hadn’t been able to see him yet already. I said “I love you” to him for the first time in person, and everything came together.
- Pirate sex on Halloween. One of the sexiest nights of my life.
- Late November or early December I started smoking with him. There was one time in the beginning where I was put into my own kind of Wonderland. I was so in love with Andrew, and all I can remember was his face right next to mine as we were lying on his bed. I think we were watching a movie, but I don’t remember it. It was almost like there were fairy lights all around his room, even though there weren’t actually any. But I remember a soft beautiful light filling the room, dancing slowly around in gorgeous warm colors.
And it was just me and him.
- Secret Santa at my house. Just being cozy together in bed surrounded by the Christmas atmosphere.
- Together in Mammoth spending time with his family. Even though Scott and Diana were there too for most of it, it was just the two of us. We spent a relaxed New Year’s together, and I got my first New Year’s kiss. I spent one of the nights crying in his arms, because I was going to Berkeley in less than 10 days.
- Leaving for Berkeley — one of the most painful days of my life. We held each other and cried the whole morning. When I finally was forced to go into the car, he held my hand through the window and didn’t let go until we were halfway down the driveway. And then I was gone.
- The day before Valentine’s Day, he stayed in bed with me all day in Berkeley while I was having the worst hangover of my life. In the evening, he somehow got me to the gelato place and cured me. Then we got hot dogs from Top Dog, and he left later that night in tears. After he left, everything went downhill.
And then, in a moment, it all ended. This life and relationship that I cradled so close to my heart now lies in pieces, unmoving at my feet.
You said that you knew my heart wouldn’t be broken forever. Maybe that’s true, but I don’t think I have the ability to love another.
I’ll never love again. Oh, friend, you’ve left me speechless.