Love. Relationships. Infatuation. Desire.
Also known as, Utter Confusion.
Where to even begin?
In the last few months, I’ve found myself in a certain black hole. Sucked into an inescapable pit of disaster and despair, I call this place any one of the titles mentioned prior: Love, Relationships, Infatuation, Desire. Or, like I said, we can call this a place of Utter Confusion.
Whilst being caught in a romantic high of fawning over a particular nerdy Gryffindor boy with the bow tie and glasses, I have also been on the opposite end of the emotional scale. Torn down, indifferent, hopeless, anxious, frustrated — all words describing how I feel half the time about my relationship with Nerdy Gryffindor Boy (NGB).
And what is my relationship with him, anyway? That black hole that I mentioned earlier is part of a galaxy I call the Friend Zone. Or maybe that’s what the black hole should be called, and the galaxy, Love. Yes, scratch what I said before; this makes more sense. The Friend Zone, the black hole, the ghastly blemish on a beautiful, enormous galaxy called Love. The Friend Zone, the black hole, the place in which you will probably be stuck forever. Once you’re there, it is such an impossible and treacherous journey out. There is so much to risk in getting out, yet staying in it is just as much of a disastrous plight!
On the one hand, I have the option of making a move and pushing for something more than just friendship. However, that involves the potential of destroying a nicely evolving platonic relationship. So badly do I want to pursue a romance with him, yet even more than that do I want to preserve our friendship.
On the other hand, I could take the slow approach and worry about nothing but being a good friend. Maybe that would add depth to our connection and lead to something more. The risk in that, though, is that I could very well just be pushed further into the Friend Zone.
Then to add even more rubbish on top of all these mixed feelings, I often get caught in the in-between of simply not caring anymore. What does it matter how it plays out anymore? Let’s go with the flow! Forget about and let things happen if they happen, whatever they may be. Find a different boy that likes you back. Become a lesbian? No, that won’t work. Harrumph.
Currently I am in that state of limbo. Planet Blah. Planet Indifference. Planet Ugh. Planet Whatever. Planet Nonchalant. Planet Ebb and Planet Flow. What a funky solar system…. Today this is where I live.
And just to add more damned space debris over the entire thing, I feel the intense pressure to commit to only ONE plan of action. How is anything supposed to happen if I’m changing my muddled up mind every other day?
First, I’m determined.
I’m going to do something about this! I will do what it takes to profess my love and win his heart! I will break his barrier of mistrust! He will fall for my charm and sophistication! I will catch him off guard and enchant him with a kiss, accompanied by a sweet, clever remark! We will fall madly in love and thrive in a blossoming relationship!
Then I lose all faith.
I can’t do it like that! I’ll drive him away and make everything so awkward! He’ll push me away! It’ll freak him out! He’ll think I’m creepy! I’m so weird! I’m so YOUNG! He’s so TALL! I can’t see us ever being together! This is so pointless. I shouldn’t even try. This is dumb. Why?! Just WHY.
But then I try again with a different approach.
No, wait. I can do this. I just need to not be such a freak about it. Just be his friend. Gain his trust. That’s the problem anyway — his lack of trust. His lack of trust is what is preventing him from wanting a relationship. Ease into it, give him a chance to get to know the real you, because the real you is pretty cool. Of course he’ll want you! Just show him that you legitimately care about him.
Well, fuck. That’ll just leave me in the friend zone FOREVER. I’ll never be able to get out. We’ll be good friends, and then it’ll just be plain weird to think of each other romantically. Especially for him, since he probably hasn’t ever thought of me that way and probably won’t. Pointless, so pointless. I must make a move if anything is to happen. Oh, but that’s so pointless too. Screw my life.
This is adding too much emotional stress in my life. Why am I so infatuated with a boy who most likely does not share my interest? You know what? Maybe it will happen, maybe it won’t. Stop worrying about the outcome, and just live. What’s meant to be will be. If we end up together, fantastic! If not, there are other boys. The whole problem with this situation is that I’m so caught up in the results, in the future, and not having fun with all of it. So what, so what, so what!
So that’s where I’m at right now, right here. Who knows what will be running through my mind tomorrow. Perhaps my Whatever Wednesday is just a result of being a loner for now and making a conscious effort not to see anyone this week. I guess this tends to make me lazy and not want to bother to pursue any type of worthwhile relationship. Am I tricking my mind? Confusing what’s important?
WHERE ARE THE ANSWERS TO LIFE??? I am in desperate need.
But the funny and beautiful thing about all of this is that one glorious day, this will just be a story. It will just be a story we can retell countless times at our adult sleepovers. I can tell my future possible children. Maybe (hopefully!) they’ll be my nerdy little children with bow ties and glasses!
And best of all, we will laugh and cherish every bit. This, at least, I am ever grateful for.