If Only I Could Heal Your Sorrow

And I know that it’s complicated, but I’m a loser in love, so baby, raise a glass to mend all the broken hearts of all my wrecked up friends!

Some men may follow me, but you choose death and company.

The end especially gets me when the Johnny Cash comes on with You Are My Sunshine. I played Sunshine on the ukulele in Berkeley and sang it to Andrew over vchat. It was also the song that I kept singing in the hospital over the summer.


I keep going over what happened. Now that it’s over, I don’t know what happened or how it happened. How could we have lost each other after a year and a half of being happy together? How could it suddenly go so rotten?

It keeps playing over and over in my mind like a video montage:

  • His facebook message on my wall the day after the cast party: “glad you were able to come out last night, wish you could have stayed longer”
  • Our first “date” when he took me hiking up at Will Rogers during lunch. We were basically wearing the same thing: blue faded jeans and a white wife-beater tank. As we started walking, he held out his hand for me to hold it, his on the bottom, mine on top. Then we switched. After about 15 minutes, we reached the view — my beautiful Los Angeles. He grabbed me and kissed me.
  • When he showed up to my house for non-prom in the snazziest outfit and a limo on the curb. I remember answering the door, him commenting on the way I looked, and then me running away right after because I was embarrassed and nervous and happy. Later at his house, he put the corsage on my wrist. After prom, we were inside on the couch after most people had left, and he asked me if I wanted to have sex. I wasn’t ready yet.
  • The Thursday after, we took Libby on a walk and Andrew asked me out. I said yes.
  • Graduating, sitting next him. He was squeezing my knee the whole time, and I was so happy to be with him. I met his family, and they took a picture of me. But I was embarrassed because I was crying.
  • Birthday party at his house for all the June bloomers. I lost my virginity to him that night.
  • June 18, 2010, Andrew turned 18. We baked an apple pie for him, he called me and said “I love you” at the end of the call, and I didn’t say it back. At the bonfire, he called me his girlfriend and said it out loud to everyone, and I felt so special.
  • Mid-July he left to go to Europe, and I ached for him the whole 3 weeks. The Sunday before he got back, August 1st, I lay in my bed crying for a couple hours because I had fallen in love. He was supposed to arrive on the Thursday, but was delayed ’til Friday. I cried on Friday right before I got to see him, because I was so frustrated that I hadn’t been able to see him yet already. I said “I love you” to him for the first time in person, and everything came together.
  • Pirate sex on Halloween. One of the sexiest nights of my life.
  • Late November or early December I started smoking with him. There was one time in the beginning where I was put into my own kind of Wonderland. I was so in love with Andrew, and all I can remember was his face right next to mine as we were lying on his bed. I think we were watching a movie, but I don’t remember it. It was almost like there were fairy lights all around his room, even though there weren’t actually any. But I remember a soft beautiful light filling the room, dancing slowly around in gorgeous warm colors.
    And it was just me and him.
  • Secret Santa at my house. Just being cozy together in bed surrounded by the Christmas atmosphere.
  • Together in Mammoth spending time with his family. Even though Scott and Diana were there too for most of it, it was just the two of us. We spent a relaxed New Year’s together, and I got my first New Year’s kiss. I spent one of the nights crying in his arms, because I was going to Berkeley in less than 10 days.
  • Leaving for Berkeley — one of the most painful days of my life. We held each other and cried the whole morning. When I finally was forced to go into the car, he held my hand through the window and didn’t let go until we were halfway down the driveway. And then I was gone.
  • The day before Valentine’s Day, he stayed in bed with me all day in Berkeley while I was having the worst hangover of my life. In the evening, he somehow got me to the gelato place and cured me. Then we got hot dogs from Top Dog, and he left later that night in tears. After he left, everything went downhill.

And then, in a moment, it all ended. This life and relationship that I cradled so close to my heart now lies in pieces, unmoving at my feet.

You said that you knew my heart wouldn’t be broken forever. Maybe that’s true, but I don’t think I have the ability to love another.

I’ll never love again. Oh, friend, you’ve left me speechless.




Mighty Wallet

These are the ones we have at work:

Tell me if you like any of them.

They’re small, flexible, really durable, and water resistant.

We Will Be Gorgeous, You and I

Blogging. By myself.

It’s a shame you’re a lazy ass.


Today was quite a day. I usually don’t work on Tuesdays except for my 5 hours at EcoMinded, and I usually don’t work on Mondays at all. But since I’m taking four days off in a row from Pinkberry this week, I had to take up the extra shifts. I closed last night ’til 3am, had EcoMinded this morning from 10-3, had deep conversation with Andrew, and went to work at the Berry, 9-3.

Luckily I did get a two-hour nap in there before swirling.

So how did my talk with Andrew go? Well, I cried. Again. But not as badly. We came to the agreement that he needed to be more present in our relationship, and he is willing to cut down on weed. So we agreed on one sober day a week to start off with. (And we were happy again by the end of our conversation, so yay!)

To further improve his life and our relationship, I want to introduce a healthy lifestyle — a lifestyle that sober, normal people live. This includes: showering every day, keeping up with taking care of his house, and eating a well balanced diet rather than the munchies diet. We kind of started doing this in May, I believe. But then I got overwhelmed with my depression, so it didn’t really work out.

Anyway, this is kind of just a side project thingy. I can’t explain very well.

I am also determined to force more activities upon ourselves and bring back the things that we used to do. Here are a few of the things I want to do with him:

  • go on hikes, just the two of us
  • make dinner/food together (healthy food!)
  • build a fort and hotbox it (one of the only exceptions to my new sobriety phase)
  • go on picnics
  • go to the beach (I’ve never been to the beach with him!)
  • wine and cheese night

Additionally, I want to record all of these Kodak moments. I find it disappointing that we have hardly any pictures together.

Have any other ideas? Make a short blog and post them if you do (LAZY ASS!). Maybe we can turn some of these into double dates if we ever ever get the chance.

Gahhh short blog. I have to go to sleep though, even though I could blabber for longer. But it’s 5am, and I have to be up by noon, which sounds silly, but that’s 7 hours of sleep.

I’ll conclude by saying that I guess in the end, the most important thing in life, relationships, and love is maintaining happiness, whatever that means. I do believe strongly that health is directly correlated to the ability to be happy, which is why I’m pushing Andrew’s sobriety. But I’m not completely anti-drug. I see drugs as a kind of junk food. It’s all right to have it once in a while — certain junk less than others — but you can’t have a family-size bag of Doritos every day.

I believe happiness is key. Above all, I believe that we can do spectacular things together and achieve this happiness — as long as we have faith, trust and a little pixie dust.

“We are only as strong as we are united, as weak as we are divided.” -Dumbledore



Can’t think of a title right now because I don’t feel good.

Sometimes you’re the lamest person I know, for several different reasons. I’m not going to elaborate any further. Sorry if that hurt your feelings.


If you don’t want to blog, then whatever. I’m still going to blog though, because I’m cooler than you. I love it as an internet time capsule and it forces me to think. And dude. If I had random things that popped into my head that I wanted to tell you, then I would text you. But I don’t usually have random things to tell you. And when I do, I do text you. Or I don’t, because I’m working.


Since Pinkberry is my life now apparently, Ingrid and I are buddies. We hung out all day yesterday and hung out today and we’re hanging out tomorrow too. Yesterday, we went to the Pinkberry at the Grove to judge them (we gave them a very low score), went to Goodwill to find Ingrid a Yule Ball dress and to do some general shopping, and went to dinner at Johnny Rockets for her first time. They eventually kicked us out because it was midnight and they were closed. Haha!

Ingrid and I have a lot in common.

Today we went to Whimsic Alley and browsed funly (I can’t think of the right word right now), then went to Target for tights, and went to Payless because I forgot my work shoes at home and wasn’t about to wear my boots to work. She also had Jamba Juice for the first time. Then we went to work (she started an hour earlier than me) and pretended that we didn’t hang out.

Tomorrow we’re going to the Beverly Center to eat peanut butter Pinkberry, because apparently they still have it. We’re supposed to be on a no-Pinkberry diet for a month though. This is already going quite unsuccessfully (we started it last night after we had Pinkberry). Anyway, after we indulge in frozen yogurt, we’re going to get pizza at this pizza place by our work that apparently has amazing, all-organic pizza. And tomorrow, this is all possibly going to include our former co-worker Roman if he’s not working. Then I’m hanging out with Andrew, then I’m  hanging out with you.

Unless I’m sick.

Because I feel kind of sick right now, and it’s been going around work (all my manager’s fault). My head felt shitty throughout my whole shift — heavy, but light-headed, feverish, and headachy. Then later in my shift, my body started aching. And on my way home, I started feeling slightly nauseous. Right now I still feel all those things. I don’t think I can move.

And actually, I’m beginning to feel quite sick and probably need to go to bed before I get sicker and have to throw up.

So good night.



I sketched this at my EcoMinded job. Possible tattoo after redo’s and touch-ups?

Tell me what you think. I sort of put a heart in it, whilst also half basing it off of the Whomping Willow in HP.

Oh, which reminds me. Ingrid and I were closing last night and during it, we plugged in my iPod and listened to Harry Potter music for the last hour. It was kind of epic. 🙂


Without the gear:

Never Too Late

So I don’t think I like blogging anymore.

I wish we just talked more. Like texted daily about random things that pop up in our lives. I always think of things I need to tell you, and then I forget when I need to blog. And I hate it. We should just text, frequently. RLKAJLJALJAKLJFS.

AND my boyfriend is pissing me off. He keeps trying to distract me, and so I totally lost everything I was going to rant about. Dammmitt.

SO, Katie and I are talking again. YAY.

Anyways, I’m super pissed about Thursday night. I was super excited to spend it with you, but I realize now that even if I had Friday off we would probably end up getting drunk at Andrews and sleeping there and I wouldn’t have alone time with you anyways, I would more likely have alone time, by myself, and that’s shitty. So maybe it worked out. Chris is coming to see Bring it On now, and then we’ll meet up, have a good time and when we get tired I’ll go back to the good ol’ OC. Yay.

The only thing I REALLY love to do right now is geocache. We can geocache in Vegas if you’re down, I am. I might end up doing it all by my lonesome if you and Brenda choose it’s gay.

I’m craving girl lips…. they’re sexy.

Only for a month though, and so I’ve been watching GSN like non-stop, and we also temporarily have a DVR, so I can record shit, and pause my fucking TV and it’s fucking sick. Ha. I love not having to watch commercials, it’s bad fucking ass.

I want to be a pirate.

I’m jealous of your friendship with Harry Potter. Honestly, I wish I had something that I was so attached to, because even as pathetic as you think it is, I think it’s awesome that you have at least that world when everything and everyone else is being stupid. I on the other hand, don’t have anywhere else to turn except this stupid life we are doomed in.

So, about your “blog bonus”. I didn’t think much about it unfortunately, so I’m going to make a few things up on the spot right now.

“I’ve been a potato before.”

The play would be a dramedy, of course. Potato would be a symbol, obviously. Potato signifying a very awkward looking kid, somewhat of a loner, mostly a nerd, acne ridden, with VERY low self-esteem. That won’t be revealed until at least the second act. The plot would be about this “potato” AKA awkward ass kid (like we all were at one point) and him being something TOTALLY different. Maybe a gay crossdresser? Something WAY out there, with TOTAL confidence.


I don’t fucking know. I’m really bad at coming up with plots, without brainstorming with someone else. So we should discuss further and cross my idea off the list. 🙂 Heh.



P.S. My title was Bubba Gump Banana Cum











Horcrux: A Piece of My Soul

Nothing to talk about really.

Things I did on Halloween: woke up after 3 hours of sleep, drove my sister to school, drove Andrew to school, watched a bit of The Hulk, went back to sleep, had a nightmare about the Hulk, woke up at 2 and missed my therapy appointment, took 2 hours to get ready for Halloween, got Brenda, got Isaiah, took a few pictures, carved my pumpkins all by my lonesome, went to Chipotle, took Brenda home, took Isaiah home, went to Andrew’s, went to my Pinkberry, went back, went home, went to sleep. Fun shit.

I don’t know what else to say. Your life sounds lame, no offense. Also, I don’t feel like playing guessing games right now, so you can just tell me what your title stands for.

Every time I reread Harry Potter I remember why I was so obsessed with it when I was younger. And then I get re-obsessed. Last night while I was on my break, I was reading the third book and eating my Pinkberry. Ingrid came to the back and I said to her, “Do you ever get sad when you read Harry Potter because you really wish Hogwarts was real and it’s not? I do. I’m so sad.”

Sometimes, the only way I could survive elementary and middle school was if I pretended that all my teachers were Hogwarts professors. Then my friends and I would go out to the field during recess and pretend that the dragonflies were golden snitches, and we would try to catch them.

I used to have dreams where I was playing Quidditch and I was searching for the Golden Snitch. I would soar through the sky (sometimes it was snowy), racing on my slick broomstick, spiraling in mid-air. Those were the best dreams ever.

I don’t have dreams like that anymore. Ever since my depression started, I haven’t had a single good dream, even on my pills. I dream plenty, but every single one is some kind of nightmare, whether it be scary or sad or angry. Instead of the wind tickling my face as I’m scanning the sky for a glint of gold, I’m panicking on the steep slope of Berkeley. Instead of a fun adventure at Hogwarts with my best wizard friends, I’m listening to my mother badmouth me and punish me for being a horrible, messed up daughter. Instead of magic spells, I’m getting my heart broken by my soul mate because he doesn’t want me anymore.

When I said that sometimes Harry Potter is one of my only friends, I meant it. When I can enter his magical realm and pretend that somewhere magic really exists, everything is better and nothing hurts as much. But sometimes it hurts more, because the things that hurt are so real, and the things that are magical are so stuck in my imagination.

But Dumbledore and his ever wise words say, “It does not do to dwell on dreams and forget to live.”

And since we’re on the subject of Dumbledore quotes, I happened upon another one that is relevant to my life right now.

I’m still trying to get Andrew to smoke less. It’s a little bit painful to think that your boyfriend is high for most of your relationship. I wish he hadn’t started smoking at an early age. And I wish that the reasons for it hadn’t existed. He doesn’t like talking about it, but I can tell how much his family issues have taken a toll on him. It’s how it began, and it just never stopped.

“Numbing the pain for a while will make it worse when you finally feel it.” – Albus Dumbledore

I wish I knew how to help Andrew.




Blog Bonus:
Explain your idea of a storyline for a play that begins with the line, “I’ve been a potato before.” Ingrid randomly said that to me one day, and at first I had no idea what she was talking about, so I burst out laughing. Then I thought it would be an interesting first line of a play. Kind of like, “Why are you like an almond?” or “Septimus, what is carnal embrace?” I sort of imagined it Melancholy Play style, where they don’t really explain it at first at all, and you don’t really get it until the end. I ended up imagining a dark stage, lights up, “I’ve been a potato before,” lights down and silence, then the actual play starts.


I’m guessing it’s my turn to blog again already.

Today has been the most uneventful day of my life. I woke up at 4pm (because I was having a strange dream that involved me, you, barrett and brenda at disneyland (which was also six flags) and the main event of my dream had to do with the star tours ride), and since then I’ve been sitting on my ass. My ass is almost sore from not doing anything all day, it’s pathetic.

Chris isn’t feeling good. The first thing he said to me this morning when I got up was: “I think I’m dying”. This sucks.

Since Chris is sickly, he’s been sleeping all day. Meaning, I don’t know what to do with myself what so ever. I’m so fucking dependent on him. I’ve been on kongregate (that website where we played those games to get points, like the being God game) and that’s about it. My body aches from being still, I stretched, but that was pointless. I have class tomorrow and because of my unproductiveness today, I have no motivation or want to go to school. This fucking sucks.

I want to get rid of the necessity of a blog bonus. I think if there is something we come across, definitely include it. But I hate having to look for a bonus to add, because it’s not from the heart at all, it’s usually the first thing that I found slightly interesting and it has no relevance to anything. It’s stupid. So no more blog bonuses, but always feel free to put something epic we come across, deal?

I still think across is spelt with 2 c’s.

I made a commitment to myself this semester. 1 book (or play) every 2 weeks. It’s going well so far. I haven’t failed yet, which is weird for me lol. I read Equus first, then a play called ‘Good’, which was confusing as fuck. And then I randomly picked up Tina Fey’s book, Bossypants,  because I was in a rush.

Tina Fey is funny, and I respect her, a lot.

Tomorrow is my due date, I have like 30 pages left. And then I get to pick a new book, yay. This chick likes to read now, wtf.

I want to shroom.

P.S. Guess what my title stands for. It’s super random and only somewhat irrelevant to my blog.

Out Here On My Own

Hello. Nice to finally see you again.

So here’s what’s been going on in my life:

  1. I have gotten mucho tired of the flaky, unreliable people in my life. I got really upset about it on Sunday and have temporarily given up on my friends. I feel like I’m fairly dependable, and people rely on me. And I do my best to not flake out. But it seems as though that’s not reciprocated back to me. So like I said, I have temporarily given up on my friends. I hadn’t heard from you in a good while, and when I did, I didn’t feel like giving back. Brenda is so-so with keeping in touch, but I feel like it’s only if/when I have something interesting to offer her, like a peek at my tattoo, or help with her college essay. Isaiah doesn’t even exist in my world anymore. I really don’t feel like talking to anyone anymore.
  2. Andrew flaked on me on Sunday (which was what sparked my newfound frustration), and I called him out on it hard core the day after. I also told him that he needed to commit to something and help me figure out what the hell was going on between us. Now I have a boyfriend.
  3. Ingrid is my new friend who seems to never fail at making me feel better when we work together, even when I’ve skipped my meds. We’re going to the Yule Ball together on December 9th at Whimsic Alley. This year is her first Halloween. We’re going to hang out. We also are planning on going fabric shopping to make cloaks for the Ball. I think we’re dating.
  4. I’m back on my meds.
  5. Sometimes I feel like my only friends are Harry Potter, my cats, and Barrett. They are the ones that so far have never failed me ever
  6. Barrett and I are secretly engaged.

So that’s that. I’m excited for Halloween even though I’m not really doing anything. I’m working ’til 4 tonight. Yay me. I went to court for my ticket last week. Community service for me. Yay again.

My blog bonus is the song from which I stole my title. It’s from the [old school] movie Fame:



P.S. I said I’d post a picture of my tattoo when you posted.

You’ve Got A Friend In Me

I’m probably the worst friend ever right now. I’m so sorry for not blogging. I went through another moment of depression where my life wasn’t worth writing about, nor did I have much to say at all. Last week was crazy busy had 2 tests (psych and Chinese) and my monologue. Overall, I think I did a good job on everything, so that’s good I guess.

Chris is mad at me. Him being mad at me is probably the worst feeling, ever, especially when you already feel like your life is meaningless and not worth anyones time. I fucking miss hearing from you, you keep me going and so I need to learn how to blog during those times where I feel like nothing matters any more, because you seem to help cheer me up.

How have you been anyways? It sucks not hearing from you. I hope you’re alright and hopefully feeling better than me. I think I need to see you, and have some form of girl time, and then get high together, just the two of us, and name trees and BE best friends like we were meant to be.

I hate age. I hate time. It’s crazy how Brenda is already 17 to me. The fact that she’ll be an adult just one year from now makes me nauseous (why is that word so hard to spell right now?). But anyways, there’s no way of stopping time. Last night Chris and I went to a random casino for no point whatsover, because we both probably have a gambling problem and on the drive back the sun was rising,  and I just got angry at how time can slip away from us so easily. We’re seeing a new day, whether we like it or not and there is nothing we can do to stop it.

And this scares me. I feel like I’m losing you. I feel like not talking to you for a week is losing precious friendship time that I don’t want to give up. We need every second we can get together before this world ends, and we’re nothing but the dirt. I fucking need you in my life.

I hope you accept my apology. I feel like I lose friends left and right all of the time because I’m a selfish bitch at times, and when I’m not in a good mood, no one can be in a good mood. I hate myself for it. That’s probably why Chris is mad at me, and he has every reason to be mad. I pull everyone down with me, because let’s face it. This world is a fucking shit hole.

When can I see you next? Please say soon..

Er… blog bonus.